Well, I did it....again. Colonoscopy number two. I decided to have one performed about 3 1/2 years ago when I was living in Idaho. I don't like going to doctors at all, so to voluntarily submit to one of these procedures was for me, incredibly brave. I have a family history of colon cancer, (grandfather), and I decided to get this done merely as a precaution, because I'm at that magical age when weird things start to manifest themselves on and in your body. I'm glad I did. The doctor found a pre-cancerous polyp and removed it. He also advised me to have the procedure repeated in about 3 years, which I'll get to later.
This first colonoscopy I had done was a piece of cake. The prep "work" to void your intestinal tract the day before is really the most unpleasant part of the whole thing. I can't believe that people actually consume various laxatives simply to "cleanse" themselves as some sort of health kick. Take a friggin shower if you want to get clean. And don't eat dirty food. That's my advice. I was mostly afraid of the procedure itself. The doctor, however, did a marvelous job of sedating me, and I can barely remember anything about the procedure other than being moved around a bit. Absolutely no discomfort. It was so easy that I almost wanted to go back and have another one the next day. OK, I'm exaggerating there a little.
The relative ease of the first procedure and lack of pain made it easy to schedule a second one here in Bakersfield. My primary physician set me up with a local gastrointerologist and endoscopy clinic. I had my pre-procedure visits a few weeks ago, received my instructions, and made the appointment for February 28th. No worries at all. As with the first one, the day before isn't much fun. Maybe if they could invent something that tasted better and went down easier it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe like a good hoppy micro brew or a dirty Martini, or something along those lines. The stuff they give you to drink is strangely thick, sort of salty, and just plain nasty. I flavored mine with a pineapple flavoring packet which is one of four different flavor packets provided. Not smart at all. Indescribable is all I can say. But, I was clean as a whistle, maybe cleaner when the day was done.
So the next day, my wife and I drove to the clinic to get the procedure done. Very little waiting and a professional and friendly staff put me at ease immediately. After taking me into the preparation/recovery room, I was given a small plastic basket with two of those hospital gowns, and directed to a bathroom to strip and change into the gowns. I've had a couple of surgeries in the past, and other medical procedures that required the wearing of these gowns, so thought it was odd that I was given two. So I stripped and put on one thinking the other must be a spare for some reason. The one that I put on covered my front down to below my knees, and was open down the back to give the doctor and his scope a "clear shot" of the work space. I neatly folded my clothes and placed them with my shoes and the spare gown into the plastic basket which was on the floor at my feet. I reached down, picked up the basket, and bravely walked out into the prep/recovery room which was teeming with activity. I got about three or four feet out of the bathroom when several of the female staff noticed me walking towards them, and the shocked look on their respective faces told me that something was amiss. They were all looking at the general vicinity of my crotch, so I instinctively looked down there too. Yikes! When I had picked up the basket containing my clothes, I had caught the bottom hem of the gown I had on, and as I lifted the basket up to above my waistline, the gown came with it, revealing my, well you know, my "junk".
One of the nurses, probably the bravest and most experienced of the staff, quickly hurried over to me as I covered myself up, and asked me why I hadn't put the other gown on. It was to cover my backside and was shaped like a long 3/4 length jacket. Hell, I didn't know, I'd never seen one of these, so I turned around and made a beeline back to the bathroom revealing my bare butt to the female staff members whom I had already startled. I suppose that's why they get paid the big bucks....to look at big asses all day. Anyway, I got properly "gowned up" and returned to my waiting gurney for my trip into the procedure room.
This next part wasn't easy or funny. I had warned the staff that I required a healthy dose of whatever they were going to sedate me with to keep me comfortable during the colonoscopy. I actually woke up from general anesthesia during a foot surgery years ago, and scared the hell out of the doctor and nurses. I'm a big guy, and I generally need a larger dose of the "cocktail" they administer prior to the procedure to get the desired degree of sedation. They didn't take me seriously I guess. This clinic must have a "one size fits all" mentality when it comes to the drugs they administer. I laid there for the duration, wide awake, and felt everything they were doing. And it wasn't pleasant. The doctor must have noticed how tense I was during this thing, and he had to have heard my grunts and groans while they ran that scope through me and filled my gut with air. He finally instructed one of the nurses to give me more sedation, but by then it was too late. I believe one of the principles of pain management is to insure the patient is comfortable and properly sedated before they start probing, or cutting, or whatever.
In retrospect, I probably should have started yelling or screaming to get their attention while they were turning me into a human balloon. This colonoscopy gave me a bad case of the "yips", and I don't think I'll let these people near my arse again. For those of you contemplating one of these procedures, don't let this scare you away. It's still preferable to colon cancer. Oh, and by the way, they found and removed two more polyps. So I dodged another bullet.
