Flies, Sparrows, and No-Shows

I've got a few observations I'd like to share. Let's start with the flies. I hate flies. I would like to think that most humans, and probably a lot of animals hate them too. I suppose they've got their place on the planet, I just wish it wasn't at my place. I'm astounded by the number of flies that apparently live within "flying distance" of my home. I don't know where they're breeding or hanging out, but I suspect it has something to do with the nearby agriculture and accompanying truckloads of human and animal excrement being used as fertilizer. I haven't actually seen these fecal accumulations, but based on the fly population, they must be substantial. The smell of dung of some kind frequently permeates the late evening and early morning air in my neighborhood. It's very hard to get used to it after living in the forests of North Idaho the past 15 years. There was an older, sickly deer that used to hang around our property for a time, and it was covered in its own waste. Boy did that thing smell. It could have benefited from some "Doepends". Back to the flies.

I like to cook outside. I've got a charcoal and a gas grill, as well as a smoker which I don't use all that often. My favorite is the charcoal grill. I like the flavor of the meat better and apparently the flies do as well. July through September were terrible this summer. Moments after lighting my charcoal grill, I am absolutely inundated with fly swarms of Biblical proportions. I've never seen anything like it as far as flies go, although with the onset of cooler weather, they're not quite as bad. I wonder if this is how the Egyptian Pharaoh felt during some of those plagues in Biblical times? Enjoy a grilled dinner outside? Not likely at our house during the summer. Unless of course you don't mind looking like one of those fly-covered, hollow-eyed, starving African kids you see in fund-raising commercials, or you're willing to wait until about 11:30 P.M. to eat. That must be fly bedtime.

I don't think much can be done to combat the flies. My wife bought me some of those sticky fly strips at the Dollar Store a couple of months ago, but most of the nasty glue on the strips wound up on my hands, arms, and even in my hair. There was lots of yelling but that's another story. The flies are simply very unwanted and uninvited, and only show up to get a good meal....or at least fly around the patio fantasizing about one.

Now for the sparrows. I don't hate them like I do flies, at least I didn't used to. I had my lawn thatched and seeded with winter rye a couple of weeks ago. It took about two days for the sparrows to discover the new bounty of seed scattered on my front and back lawn. And when they did....well, remember the aforementioned Biblical plague reference? Ditto for the sparrows. Now I hate them too. They were at times like hordes of locusts, completely covering the lawn, and engaged in an orgy of seed consumption. Whoever coined the phrase, "Eats like a bird", must have never seen a spectacle like this.

The neighbors who saw and heard me running from front to back, repeatedly clapping my hands or sandals together to scare the birds, probably thought I was nuts. I actually started believing that myself for a couple of days. I even put out two of those fake owls thinking that might keep them away. Not so. A sparrow was standing on one of the dummy owl heads one morning while his buddies were gorging on seed. I pretty much gave up at that point. Well, the seed has finally started to grow, but there are several bare spots which will have to be reseeded, and I've probably lost a considerable amount of hair worrying about this stupid situation. Unfortunately, my scalp can't be reseeded. Another example of unwanted critters coming around for a free and easy meal.

So what are no-shows, and how do they fit into this equation? No-shows are usually friends or acquaintances who HAVE been invited to, and accepted an invitation to some event. Then they bail, usually at the last minute. And the excuses aren't usually very believable. So what's the big deal about that? Who really cares if someone doesn't come to the scheduled event as they had promised? I suppose if it's not your event, and you didn't really have to go to any trouble to host the event, the whole concept probably seems insignificant. But for the hosts, and even for some of the attendees, it's disappointing. Most likely they really like the no-show, unlike flies and sparrows, and really wanted them to attend. Many times, there is ample food and drink at the event, for the guests, but not for the flies and sparrows. It's usually purchased by the hosts in anticipation of a certain amount of attendees who promised to be there. That forces those who did attend to eat and drink the surplus which was intended for the no-shows. Or it just gets discarded. Or eaten by flies and sparrows, which weren't invited, but probably came anyway.

Here's the point, if there is one to all of this. I think I realize now why I don't like to host parties. With all the flies, sparrows, and no-shows, it's all just too confusing, and not worth the trouble. I'll probably still grill in the backyard and have my lawn seeded every fall. The flies and sparrows will most likely be there too....they don't know any better.