The title on this post alone ought to get some attention, don't you think? I'm sure some readers may blush while others will laugh out loud. The following is a fairly accurate description of my brief foray into the misunderstood and overrated world of nude beaches....at least from my vantage point.
My experiences and observations occurred when I was in college back in the early 70's. That would be the 1970's. It was a different time and social attitude then, but I don't think that really matters a great deal. Since day 1 of our shared humanity, there have been individuals who find it to be great fun to frolic in the buff with people they don't even know. I guess it's supposed to be liberating or some such nonsense. More on that in a bit.
As I said, I was a young college student, full of piss and vinegar, when some buddies and I hatched a plan to check out a nude beach near Zuma Beach in southern California. I don't remember how we found out about this place or what it's name was, or if it even had a name, as some of the more popular nude beaches of the day did. It wasn't too far to drive there from Bakersfield where we lived at the time, so after several weeks of discussing the pros and cons of nude beach combing, we gave it a go. After all, we couldn't really think of any negatives. We figured the beach would be filled with smokin' hot chicks, except with no clothes on.
Back in those days, in high school and in college, all the guys and girls were required to shower after P.E. everyday, and of course the athletes also did after practice and games. So nudity in front of your buddies wasn't really any concern to any of us. Lets face it, the only reason we wanted to go to this place was to check out the plumbing on the opposite sex....for free. As I recall, the walk to this beach from the parking area was fairly difficult, with plenty of jagged rocks and narrow trails to walk on. As we neared our destination, we could look down from a steep hill onto the beach below, and I think we fully expected to see a beach party in full swing, one without bathing suits. Oh boy, were we in for a surprise.
There were a handful of other people down on the beach, and it was very apparent that most of them were of the male variety. Naked ones. Ugh!! Not at all what we were looking for. And I think, at least for me, some unease started to set in. We mustered up our final bit of courage, and traipsed down onto the sand to see if we were missing something, or looking in the wrong place. Ah, no. There were maybe 20-30 people scattered about on beach towels, mostly minding their own business. About 90% of them were guys, and they were the only ones looking back at us. Yikes! I wondered if this was how a turkey felt just before Thanksgiving. We really had the yips at this point, but what the hell, we stripped anyway. I'm not sure if the sensation of total nudity in front of strangers, outside in broad daylight, was a liberating feeling or not. It was definitely draftier. It sure didn't feel like this was a normal thing to do, but peer pressure prevailed.
Two of my friends immediately ran into the surf, acting like they had done this a million times. My other buddy and I opted to "hang out" on the beach, and laid stomach-down on our towels. You've got to keep some mystery in this, after all. We nervously looked around for a while, and I finally got up the nerve to walk around and check things out more carefully. There were a handful of lone, very tan, fairly unattractive, and much older naked females lying about, mostly just reading books and soaking up the U.V.'s. They weren't remotely interested in any of us, and I recall being too nervous to even care. The other fellows on the beach, however, sure seemed to have a keen interest in us though. "Crap", I thought, "I've got to get off of this beach and into the water".
So into the crashing surf I sprinted with a "devil may care" attitude....and I mean it was cold. Unseasonably cold. I was probably making more noises than a pregnant woman at Lamaze classes, and I quickly decided that I'd be more comfortable back on that warm beach laying on my towel. But there was one, very small problem that suddenly became quite obvious to me. As I stood there turning blue with kelp slithering up my butt crack, I realized that a vanishing act had occurred the moment I entered the frigid Pacific. Houdini would have been proud of this disappearing trick. A certain appendage of mine had shifted into reverse and buried itself somewhere deep in my loins. And I don't think it planned on shifting back into forward until I got out of the ice water and raised my core temperature about 20 degrees. So, back onto the beach I sprinted, hoping no one would notice my "shortcoming". Whew, that warm towel felt good, and before long, I was back in drive. Aahhh.
After we had regrouped and shared a few laughs, we decided we'd had enough of this action. Besides, certain areas of our bodies had already started to turn red. We hadn't had the foresight to apply tanning lotion to previously unexposed areas of our bodies before we arrived. It's certainly not something you'd want to do out in public either....even if it was a nude beach, especially if it was a nude beach. I actually visited this beach one more time about a year later with some classmates from the college I was attending in Thousand Oaks. Nothing really had changed. Same basic male to female ratio which was unacceptable to us. Same uncomfortable sunburn, and I could still perform that disappearing trick....right on cue. This was an experience that should have been left a fantasy. But if you insist on visiting one, here's a tip: Always wear some dark sunglasses.
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